We are Broken and He holds us

it was years ago
when they 
would call in the night
and I would go to their bedside
and comfort them
I would be brave with them
and cry and laugh with them

I would do it again
only I would stay longer

and sing longer

and hold longer

Now they are grown
with kids of their own
who call in the night 
and in the day

they hold them
they cry and laugh with them
they are brave with them

sometimes I didn't know
what the deep fears were that would wake them
sometimes they would tell me 
and I would try to help them paint 
a different picture in their head
in their mind's eye
in their heart 

to replace the fearful one

One day when they were young
a dog had ravaged our farm while 
we were driving home from holidays.

coming in to our farm we saw goats scattered and torn on the ground
the unhurt ones stuck their heads out of A-frames when they saw us and came out to be with us

we were devastated 

my little four year old held my hand as we walked the hillside
the little one in my back pack looked over my shoulder


it was very quiet
and Shoshi said 
as she looked up at me
Mommy
are you sad?

how do you fix hurt in a little one's brokenness
how do you fix what their little heart holds

Our beautiful Aunt Stella had left us that week
and found her Heaven home

my Shoshi had loved her
we had African violets scattered on all our windowsills
because of Aunt Stella
she was old and played the piano
she would walk slowly and carefully to the piano bench
and would take time to be seated
this amazing woman
who played church organ
and grew violets
and prayed for her son

she would then sit tall
and her fingers would come alive and dance
she could dance along that piano for a full hour
she was all life

so when she died
my kids were sad
and I knew we had to paint a new picture in their mind's eye

In heaven she had a hillside pasture
in the radiant sunshine
and
she had her grand piano
and was no longer tired
and weak

her whole being danced with that grand piano
and the flowers bloomed on that lush green hillside with her

Shoshanna wanted to paint another picture
to change the goat sadness

so we put all our baby goats
six of them
and one mama
we put them all on that hillside with dear Aunt Stella
while she played
they ran and jumped
some up on that heavenly piano
she was laughing and playing
and there was just so much joy

now every time we remember that day
and the sadness
we have a new painting in our mind's eye 
and we can smile 
and see the beauty
and laugh joyously together 

we know that one day
we will be there too
then all the sadness will be gone

I would like to go back 
and hold them longer
sit with them and just listen longer
and really hear what their little hearts
are saying

I want them to know 
they are everything to me
that I will always be there for them

now they are grown
with kids of their own

I get to hold them
these new little ones

they don't always want to be held
but in my heart I hold them tight

I must also release them to the Lord
as I did mine
because I know some things hurt too much to even tell mommy

and I know He holds them

He will sing to them
and laugh and weep with them
and heal them

we are all broken somehow
and He holds us

that is the picture I will paint with my little ones
in our mind's eye
in our heart

we were broken 
but now
we are all together running in the green meadows
all laughing together
the flowers are beautiful and the music is sweet

and He holds us

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